Why Does My Husband’s Past Bother Me So Much

And, over the years, I’ve received thousands of emails from women who are worried by their husband’s past—a condition known as “women who are troubled by their husband’s past.” “Reverse Jealousy.”

The symptoms and emotions these women describe are diverse, ranging from feeling “obsessed” or “consumed” by their husband’s past, to questioning their partner’s values, to having no questions about their husband’s values but simply wanting to be with him “He “can’t seem to get his mind off his past.”

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Each and every email is different—however, over several years working on jealousy related issues, certain patterns have emerged.

I’ve seen a tendency among women who are worried by their husband’s past: most of them don’t necessarily question their husband’s ideals.

Instead, these women are frequently tormented by their husband’s former love for another woman, or by the presence of “past links” (such as children, stepchildren, or ex-partners) in their husband’s current life.

Many of these women are aware that their feelings are unreasonable; nonetheless, no matter how hard they try, they can’t seem to stop thinking about their husband’s past.

Many of these women are at the same time grappling with some sense of insecurity relating to their husband’s past.

Perhaps they are concerned that their current relationship with their husband isn’t as strong as it once was “As a specific connection from her husband’s past, she felt “unique” or “exceptional.”

These women may not feel as seductive, appealing, or attractive as women from their husband’s previous relationships.

Occasionally, these women are just absorbed by their work “small moments” from her husband’s history that haunt them, such as certain vacations, events, or other scenes or scenarios from his past.

When it comes to dealing with your husband’s background, there is a lot to go into. There are so many concerns at hand, and so much self-examination to be done.

So what will follow is a highly abbreviated strategy to start overcoming your husband’s past.

If you’d like to learn more, I offer a premium video course called “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast,” which delves further into all of these topics.

Hundreds of wives from all around the world have used the course to overcome retroactive jealousy and move on from their husband’s past.

#1) Trust your husband, and his word—until he gives you a reason not to

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“Trust someone until they give you a reason not to trust them,” my mother used to say.

This isn’t to say that we should never forgive those who have betrayed our confidence. We’re all human, and we’re all prone to making errors.

Instead, I took this statement to mean that we should allow ourselves to trust our loved ones, to give them the benefit of the doubt, and to learn to let our guard down a little.

Jealousy, obsession, paranoia, and snooping are all tiring tendencies that are usually detrimental to both our spouses and ourselves.

When men are asked what they want from their wives, a word they frequently use is “trust.”

As men, we crave our woman’s trust—her belief in our leadership, masculinity, and life’s purpose. We also want our girlfriend to believe in our word, honor, and honesty.

Obviously, not all guys are honorable and trustworthy. And I’m not familiar with your husband’s personality.

What I do know is that, if he is like most men, he feels that when you doubt his word, you are doubting him.

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Many women who write to me about their husband’s history are “hung up” on a particular woman (or women) from his past. They recognize that they are insufficient, unimpressive, and “less than” in some sense if they delve deep enough.

“If my husband’s connection with her was so extraordinary, what makes ours so wonderful?” they question.

They may also be aware that their husband is completely devoted to them. Their husband has repeatedly professed his love, dedication, and attraction to his wife.

Yet still, his wife wants more reassurance, more clarification, more comfort.

On the other hand, if you constantly seek reassurance from your husband that you are special, that you are “better” than any woman from his past, that he needs and wants you more than anyone else, you are telling him that you don’t trust him or his word.

You’re telling him that he was or is lying when he tells you how wonderful you are on some level.

You’re implying that you don’t necessarily believe you’re unique in his eyes.

On some level, you’re implying that you’re doubting his decision to leave his previous life (and/or partners) behind and choose you.

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As you might expect, all of this will, sooner or later, erode his faith in your abilities.

Confidence is a universally appealing trait. And no matter how patient your husband is when you ask him questions about his history or seek to him for comfort, it will eventually wear him down.

If you’re constantly looking for confirmation that you really are “best” for him, he may begin to doubt it himself.

Furthermore, anyone who has experienced irrational jealousy—which is exactly what retroactive jealousy is—understands how draining it is to feel like your partner doesn’t trust you.

Intimacy, closeness, connection, and love are all about trusting ourselves to let someone in, to let someone see us as we are, and to see that person as they are.

Of course, if your husband consistently shows that you can’t trust him, your marriage has far more serious issues than retroactive jealousy, and you should certainly leave him.

The vast majority of them are confident in their husband’s abilities, and they are not scared by any of their husband’s previous wives.

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They can’t stop thinking about it, though. They are unable to quit inquiring. They can’t seem to quit looking for “ultimate reassurance,” which, of course, will never arrive.

So let me be clear: your husband can’t solve this issue for you. I promise you.

Retroactive jealousy is your problem to solve, regardless of what he says or does, or doesn’t say or do.

For the time being, just remember that retroactive jealousy is poisonous to true closeness, true connection, and true passion.

So keep in mind that whenever you seek to your husband for comfort, reassurance, or answers to inquiries about his history, you’re telling him, “I don’t trust you.”

Here’s an idea: on a piece of paper, write down your husband’s most meaningful or resonant words of love or reassurance.

If possible, jot down any things he has said that you felt particularly comfortable or reassuring in his own words.

When you’re curious or skeptical about your husband’s history, turn to it for consolation (instead of asking him directly for more reassurance).

#2) Stop snooping.

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There’s never been a better moment to moonlight as a private investigator, thanks to the internet and social media.

There’s an infinite trail of information about what we’ve done, who we’ve dated, who we loved, who we lost, and everything in between for most of us, especially those of us who embraced social media in our adult lives.

Many wives who write to me tell me they can’t stop “snooping” when it comes to their husband’s past.

Hookups, flings, one-night stands, and ex-wives and girlfriends, to name a few.

It’s all too simple to lose an hour, a day, or a week cyberstalking your partner’s ex with apps like Facebook and Instagram.

Many of these wives are also cyberstalking their husbands, checking to see if he’s still keeping up with old contacts, or reading over his old postings, images, and comments to try to “get to the bottom” of his past and figure out how and why certain ladies once fit into his life.

Keep doing what you’re doing if you want to continue down this rabbit hole and lose another week or two to late-night Facebook investigations.

I often say “there is no intellectual solution to retroactive jealousy.”

Because, believe me, no matter what you find, or don’t find, or how deep you search, social media will not provide you with the answers you need.

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There will be no “aha!” moment or social media discovery when everything falls into place and this problem is solved for you.

This creature known as retroactive jealousy is significantly more complex, multi-layered, and diabolical than that.

All of this is to imply that if you want to get over your fascination with your husband’s history, you must be self-disciplined and stop stalking him on social media.

Stop scrolling through his timeline in the hopes of finding new women or hookups.

Discipline is the key here. Ruthless self-discipline.

Make a list of related, constructive things to occupy yourself instead of cyberstalking your husband’s past.

Install a language-learning app on your phone. Send a message to a buddy via email. YouTube is a great way to unwind. Listen to a podcast of your choice. (With Zachary Stockill on “Like Humans in Love!”)

The goal is to switch from a harmful to a productive activity. (Or non-destructive, at the very least.)

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Please keep in mind that this is a “quick cure” that will not eliminate your underlying want to engage in cyberstalking.

But, for the time being, it won’t exacerbate your retroactive jealousy. And, hopefully, it will halt the bleeding.

Finally, #3) Remember that, in all likelihood, the only person keeping your husband’s past in his present is you.

If your husband is like most guys, especially those in long-term relationships that are meaningful, rewarding, and loving, he is over his past.

Even if he was previously married, had children from a previous relationship, or had 500 casual girlfriends, he has chosen to be with you alone.

For the most part, males are most interested in the present. It’s very thrilling. The only thing worth our time and attention.

If your husband is interested in personal growth in any way, the issue he is likely to wrestle with the most is, “How can I be a better man today?” How can I show my affection for the individuals who are important in my life? What can I do tomorrow to be a better spouse and father?”

What I’m trying to tell you is that if you are his woman now, he’s probably not thinking about the women from his past.

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He was led to you by all of those women. In fact, if he hadn’t explored other relationships, developed other connections, and made mistakes in the past, he would most likely be a shell of the man he is today.

I understand how difficult it is—believe me, I understand. I battled strong retroactive jealousy for years, which I’ll tell you about another time…

It will be difficult, but you must strive to develop some respect for any lady from your husband’s past.

Regardless of your husband’s or his previous partners’ mistakes. Regardless of what another woman did or did not do for your husband, irrespective of whatever…

Because any alteration to your husband’s past—really, any alteration—would have had a permanent impact on his future. And your husband’s previous relationships have shaped and formed him into the guy he is today.

And thank God for each and every one of those experiences, both positive and negative. Because each one of them brought him to you.

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At least in part, you’re probably watching this video and reading this piece because you adore your husband. Your husband is important to you. You want him to stay in your life.

So keep in mind that if anything in his background had been slightly different, you might not be together today.

This is not a novel or groundbreaking concept. I’m sure you’ve heard something similar to this before.

As someone who has been in your shoes—struggling with intrusive thoughts about my partner’s past—I can assure you that life gets a lot better once you start warming up to this concept, even if it’s just a little.

And remember that you are likely the person dragging your partner’s past into the present.

Even if your husband has children from a previous relationship, and even if his ex is still present in his life in some way, I’m willing to bet that your husband is desperate to concentrate on the here and now—building a better life for his children and wife, and taking the steps necessary to get to where he wants to be tomorrow.

Because you are such an important part of his present, he doesn’t want to dwell on his past. So who can blame him for doing so?

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One last suggestion: make a list of reasons to be grateful for your husband’s past in the form of bullet points. I know it seems insane, but stick with me…

It could be “mistakes” your husband made that brought him to you, or ways he has grown and changed as a result of his past experiences, or anything else. Carry this list with you whenever you’re feeling down and in need of some perspective and clarity.

In conclusion: if you take away nothing else from this video, please remember that you really do have the power to overcome retroactive jealousy, and get past your husband’s past.

This isn’t a place where I’m delivering empty consolation. Hundreds of women, just like you, have emailed me to tell me how they overcame retroactive jealousy, saved their marriages, and gained mental clarity and peace of mind about their husband’s history.

How do I stop thinking about my husbands past?

Jason had been dating Nadia for four months, and everything seemed to be going well, except Jason couldn’t get the thought out of his head that Nadia had previously had sexual relations with other guys. Jason kept thinking about Nadia and other men, despite the fact that he thought their communication was going well, their sex was highly passionate, and Nadia had informed him that she loved him.

Couples frequently experience retrospective jealousy, or jealousy regarding your partner’s history. You may believe that their history threatens your current connection, so you keep thinking about it. Jason’s nervousness was triggered by the following thoughts:

Jason was aware that the relationship was going well, but he was also aware that these ideas plagued him. Her earlier experiences had left him feeling insecure — “I don’t know how she feels about them” — and powerless — “I can’t stop her from having fantasies.” He considered her prior ideas and feelings to be a threat to his current connection.

Why am I obsessed with my partner’s past?

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In the counselling room, we have seen scenarios when a person is fixated on their partner’s former sexual connections. Most people are familiar with jealousy, but this type of jealousy is totally different. A person may experience flashbacks to events that they did not witness or were not a part of. This frequently results in an obsessive thought cycle and an insatiable desire to learn the “truth” about what “truly happened” between a partner and their prior partners. They may end up tormenting themselves and their spouse, and the relationship may become abusive in some situations. Getting expert counseling and support is recommended whether you’re the one ruminating about the past or the one on the receiving end.

When your spouse keeps bringing up the past?

According to clairvoyant and spiritual counselor Davida Rappaport, “if your partner dredges up the past for whatever reason, it shows that they don’t let things go.” “They may refuse to change because they are clinging to the past.” Alternatively, they may cling to prior mistakes you’ve done and bring them up often.

Should you care about your partner’s past?

However, it’s perfectly acceptable to give someone the benefit of the doubt. “If you spend too much time worrying about your partner’s history, you’ll miss out on the chance to build a healthy, meaningful relationship in the present, as well as push them away and/or drive yourself insane,” Needle adds.

How can I stop doubting my husband?

Do you realize that your skepticism grows with each passing day because you make too many assumptions? Even if you have proofs on hand, your assumption will win out. As a result, the less you assume, the more free you are to think positively. It will assist you in gradually ceasing to distrust your mate. (Also see: Relationship Space: Signs Your Partner Wants Separation From You)

Spying on your partner is a really bad idea. Everyone has their own way of life and personal space. When you intrude into another person’s area, the positive is shattered. As a result of spying on your partner, you begin to overthink things and get worried and pessimistic.

Never trust what people say to you. Do not question until you see the reality right in front of your eyes. You may notice a number of partnerships in front of you that are battling it out and becoming increasingly entangled in shaky situations. Do not be swayed by their presence. Respect your partner and learn the truth first. It will assist you in overcoming your natural tendency to question.

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Make your partner aware of any doubts you may be experiencing. Your doubts will be cleared the more you both interact. Don’t think for yourself. If you notify your companion, they will assist you in comprehending the situation. So, talk about it openly and honestly to clear up any doubts you may have.

Never make a hasty decision. If you care about your relationship, look into the current circumstances and then speak with them. Make an effort not to get brainwashed. Be courageous and patient. (Also see: Relationship Space: What To Do If Your Partner Wants Separation From You)

Does retroactive jealousy ruin relationships?

Are you perplexed as to why your relationship is being ruined by retroactive jealousy? It’s not an issue of “if”; it’ll happen, it’s just a matter of when.

You can say, “You don’t even know who I am.” True, but I also know that if you have retroactive jealousy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed or your relationship will die. “How do you know?” you might wonder.

Without a steady supply of fun, the relationship will wither and die.

You or your companion will not like retroactive jealousy. Fun, in my opinion, is a necessary component of a healthy, happy relationship. It’s just plain fun. Stupid amusement. Having a good time. Whatever you want to call it, I feel that all happy love relationships have a sense of joy.

Decaying relationships lack this humorous and fun energy, which inevitably leads to a nasty breakup that can last anywhere from a few days to a year.

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The plain truth is that if your relationship isn’t enjoyable, it will end. After all, if you’re not having fun, what’s the point of being in a relationship in the first place?

Mutual resentment is building.

Retroactive jealousy leads in mutual hostility, even if you aren’t aware of it.

If your partner is aware of your RJ, they may blame you for subjecting them to ongoing fear, shame, despair, insecurity, and suffering for days, weeks, months, or even years. Retroactive envy is unquestionably harming your relationship.

Even if you manage to overcome your jealousy, these unfavorable feelings toward you are likely to reemerge at some point later in your relationship. It should therefore be self-evident that it is in your best interests to address your jealousy as soon as possible in order to reduce your partner’s resentment as much as possible.

Your RJ is also making you despise your partner, even if you aren’t aware of it. Resentment toward your partner for “putting you through” the dreadful RJ experience (even though they very certainly did not) is growing on some level.

Even though RJ is your problem, not your partner’s, it’s understandable that animosity is rising because their previous relationships/sexual history was the source of your suffering.

You don’t want this bitterness to fester since it will wreak havoc on your relationship in the future.

Mutual trust is dissolving.

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In serious, passionate partnerships, retroactive jealousy nearly always rears its ugly head. In a committed partnership, trust is crucial. When we commit to a relationship, we have a reasonable expectation that our partner would not harm us, cheat on us, or otherwise betray us. Of course, some hurt is inevitable in any relationship, but most of us will not put up with cheating, deception, lying, or other forms of betrayal from our partners (or at least I hope not).

As retroactive jealousy suffers, our partner’s history causes us a great deal of anguish and suffering.

Furthermore, it frequently feels as if our relationship is cheating on us, as we replay vivid memories from our partner’s past in our heads over and over.

We read entirely too much into how our spouse talks about their past, and it often feels like they’re messing around with other people right now, even if our rational brain knows that’s not the case.

Because of our made-up mental impressions of their past, it sometimes feels like our partner is cheating on us, wants to cheat, etc., leading to a breakdown of trust on our behalf.

It’s even worse for our partners. When most of us start a committed relationship, we expect to be “accepted” with all of our flaws: our past, our errors, our successes, our progress, and our journey.

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When we share our suffering with our partner as RJ suffers, we violate this trust on a daily basis, leading them to believe that they are not appreciated for who they truly are, including their past. As a result, trust begins to erode over time.

Is retroactive jealousy a mental illness?

At some point in our lives, we’ve all been envious of others. Many of us have had reservations about our partner’s sexual and romantic history. However, these feelings of relationship-related jealousy normally fade away after a few days. They rarely endanger ourselves or our spouse.

Have you, on the other hand, become overly preoccupied with your partner’s sexual and romantic history? Is your mental health suffering as a result of this? If you answered yes, you may be experiencing retroactive jealousy.

Retroactive jealousy is a psychological disorder in which we have a strong desire to know about our partner’s sexual and romantic lives before we met. This obsession is so strong that it follows you around at all hours of the day and night. You can find yourself unable to concentrate on anything because you’re afraid your boyfriend is cheating on you.

Retroactive jealousy can cause you to become paranoid, as well as inspire unpleasant thoughts and violent conduct toward your partner. You may begin to suspect your partner in everything he or she says or does.

Retroactive envy frequently has no justification. It’s possible that there’s nothing wrong with your relationship. However, if this problem is not handled as soon as possible, it has the potential to damage your relationship. It can also be extremely harmful to your mental and physical health.

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The normal jealousy that partners feel in a relationship is mild-to-moderate retroactive jealousy. While jealousy isn’t common in all relationships, we’re attempting to assist you understand the many degrees to which this illness might emerge.

You may be very uncomfortable with your partner’s past at this point. You could even interrogate them about the people they meet or text. However, your envy hasn’t moved to more negative and violent ideas at this point.

You start to doubt your partner’s values at this point. You might start judging them severely and calling them names. You play the “innocent” role in the value questioning retroactive jealousy, while your partner plays the “immoral” character. You can accuse your lover of cheating on you even if there is no evidence. Everything they do, from what they wear to how they eat particular foods to how they laugh, may have sexual overtones for you.

You may also begin to wonder about your partner’s previous sexual or relationship choices. As an example, “I can’t believe he/she did it to him/her instead than to me! What a pity. It’s at this point that you start to wonder if your spouse is the right one for you.

Jealousy from the past The most severe form of OCD is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Because it is at this point that violence begins to emerge.

Retroactive Jealousy Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder causes people to engage in harmful behaviors. Spying on your partner’s text messages, following them on their way to work, and hacking into their browsing history are just a few examples. You can also instigate disputes on purpose “persuade your partner to confess.”

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These believed risks possess every waking and sleeping thought. Retroactive envy gets so pervasive that it consumes your entire life.

Treatment for retroactive jealousy OCD can be extremely difficult. Abstinence from your compulsion, like other OCDs, can create severe withdrawal symptoms. You may feel impatient or violent if you try to force yourself to think positively about your relationship. You may purposefully bring out your repressed feelings and obsess on your partner’s prior relationships in order to get emotional and mental relief.

Many people with retroactive jealousy OCD obsess over the exact positions, places, dates, and times their partner may have had sex with an ex for countless hours. This might lead to feelings of mistrust, paranoia, anger, and jealousy. It will, in the end, damage the relationship. The worst thing is that people with retroactive jealousy OCD are forced to justify their actions and thoughts. Because negative thoughts are constantly clouding your mind, you may lose your capacity to think clearly.

Our goal in creating this image isn’t to shock you. We want people to get the mental health help they need right away. We hope that by providing you a glimpse into what people with retroactive jealousy OCD go through, you will seek professional help sooner rather than later.

It’s critical to realize that retroactive jealousy OCD has psychological and physical consequences for your partner. Seeking treatment will help you avoid causing them long-term harm.

Is there a cure for retroactive jealousy?

In counseling, there are a variety of approaches to working through and overcoming retroactive jealousy. Cognitive behavioral therapy, hypnosis, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), and other trauma-informed psychotherapies can assist you in moving past your partner’s past. In its most severe form, Retroactive Jealousy OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) can disrupt not just your relationships but also your day-to-day activities. If you’re having obsessive or unwelcome thoughts about your partner’s former relationships, seeking treatment from a mental health expert can help.

What is something you would never forgive in a relationship?

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Lying all the time This can be related to cheating, but it can also refer to lying in general. If your partner continues to deceive you, he or she cannot be trusted, and this level of contempt and shadiness may not be forgiven in a relationship, according to Ziegler.

Should you know who your partner has slept with?

“Try not to judge your partner if they tell you how many people they’ve slept with,” Saddington recommends. “After all, you were curious.” If they don’t want to tell you, it’s acceptable to inquire as to why, but don’t press them and respect their privacy if they claim they don’t want to.

What you should never say to your partner?

Look, the last thing you want to do is give someone else control over your emotions. Goddammit, they’re yours and yours alone. “You are the producer of your sentiments, not the victim of them,” David explains, “so you’ll only feel uncomfortable sensations of guilt if you truly believe you’ve done something wrong.”

“First and foremost, you must reclaim emotional control: do you believe you spend too much time with your friends at the price of quality time with your partner? If this is the case, make a change. Do you believe your partner and you have different ideas about how much time you should spend together? If that’s the case, start a frank and open talk with them about it.”

Instead, say something like, “I’m not sure whether I’m managing my time with friends properly; I’ll alter it in the future” or “My friends seem to be particularly demanding of my time right now; what do you think?”

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